Category Archives: Relationships

Acceptance :: One of the Hardest Things

Posted on by
Reply

Tom has the tendency to have a pessimistic outlook in life.  Stacy gets defensive and takes things personally.  Susan is usually consumed with her own problems that she fails to see the needs of other’s around her.  David is frugal with his money, time and affection.  Darcy is rude, inconsiderate and holds on to grudges.  Charlie is suspicious and thinks the worst of everyone.

You may have encountered some of these fictional characters in real life or may be living under the same roof with one.  At some point in time, you may have secretly (or openly) wished they were better, different, exciting, spontaneous, funny, or outgoing.  How do we reconcile our feelings with the reality of ‘this is the way they are’?  In this article, I’m going to write about one of the hardest things to do in life but an essential component in relationships:  Accepting the other person for who they are.  I mean truly accepting them without any unconscious intentions to try to change them, even for the better.

I believe one of the reasons it’s hard to accept another person for who they are is because we have a natural tendency to filter people’s actions, behavior and personality, through our own life experiences, upbringing and perspective.  It’s through this paradigm we view the world and the people in it.  And when they don’t ‘fit’ into our worldview box we come up against feelings of frustration, agitation, or unhappiness.  And unless we change the way we think, give up our ‘only-best-right way’ attitude, shift our paradigm, alter our perspective, this mountain will remain impossible to climb.  So how do we do this?

Like most things in life, we always have a choice.  In this case, we can choose to accept or change the person or walk away.  In accepting the person with their ‘flaws’ we let go of control, experience a peace of mind, invite harmony into the relationship and see the bigger picture of life.  On the other hand, if you’re determined to change them you’ll end up on a dead end road of frustration and a battle of wills.  But if the first two options are not feasible or working out for you the way you’d like, then the third option might be the best solution for the both of you.

The irony of trying to change someone is that it is us who changes, for the worse.  Let me explain, your decision will ultimately affect you.  If you choose to accept someone for who they are, the possible benefits you’ll reap will be having more patience, peace, freedom, compassion, and unity.  But the consequences of trying to change someone will cripple you with cynicism, negativity, unwillingness, bitterness, anger, or resentment.  This change in you won’t happen overnight but over a period of time.

My motto lately for acceptance has been, “Life’s too short.”  Life’s too short to fuss and fume. Too short to stay upset and hold a grudge.  Too short to point the finger and accuse.  Too short to be miserable because the person is not what they’re ‘suppose’ to be.  Too short to believe the myth I’d be happier if they changed.  Ultimately what I’m demanding them to be is a mirrored image of myself.  And I guarantee eventually I’ll find a flaw or two.

Of course, there are exceptions to every case; you don’t want to condone destructive habits or abusive behavior.  Tough love will call for a change and for a period of time, you may need to love them from a distance while they get the help they need.

One of the key ways in accepting another person is through appreciation.  Focus on the good qualities they already possess – strengths, positive character traits, accomplishments, their hopes and dreams.  Then share this admiration to the person genuinely without expecting anything in return.  I believe this seed of authentic appreciation and unconditional acceptance will blossom into something beautiful in them.  And please don’t be hurt or offended if they don’t appreciate your appreciation, this is bound to happen.  Mainly, you have to do it for yourself, your peace of mind, sanity, and happiness.  And my hope is that one day you’ll also experience the same unconditional acceptance you showed to others.  Making this world a beautiful place to live in.

©2012 Susie Lee

Food for Thought ::
“Strive to be patient; bear with the faults and frailties of others, for you, too, have many faults which others have to bear.  If you cannot mould yourself as you would wish, how can you expect other people to be entirely to your liking?  For we require other people to be perfect, but do not correct our own faults.
We wish to see others severely reprimanded; yet we are unwilling to be corrected ourselves.  We wish to restrict the liberty of others, but are not willing to be denied anything ourselves.  We wish others to be bound by rules, yet we will not let ourselves be bound.  It is amply evident, therefore, that we seldom consider our neighbor in the same light as ourselves…”
-The Imitation of Christ pg. 44

Quotes ::
You take people as far as they will go,
not as far as you would like them to go.
-Jeannette Rankin

Whenever two people meet there are really six people present.
There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him,
and each man as he really is.
-William James

Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect.
It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.
-Unknown

When you find peace within yourself,
you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.
-Peace Pilgrim

Video of the Week: Beautifully Imperfect

Posted on by
Reply

People’s little imperfections is what makes them uniquely beautiful.  I love how this short video conveys this message.  It’s a great reminder for us this week, to accept and embrace people’s imperfections in the light of the big picture.  Have a Beautiful Imperfect week.

Quotes of the Week: Be Who You Were Born To Be

Posted on by
Reply

 Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinion drown your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
– Steve Jobs

 Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear;our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williiamson

Be who you were born to be. Accept, embrace and love who you are; your personality, your looks, your voice and all the quirks that make you you. Know you’re ‘enough’, you don’t need to add, change or push. There’s no one in the world like you, so proudly shine your light because the world needs you today, and everyday.
-Susie Lee

Unmet Expectations

Posted on by
1

It’s February 14th and the woman has high unspoken hopes that her man will make this day very, very special.  She anticipates either a romantic getaway or a fine dining experience or perhaps a long awaited engagement ring.  But when he fails to meet her expectations, she becomes sorely disappointed and deeply hurt.  She assumes he does not love or cherish her.  She tries to persuade him that if he did what he was supposed to do, she wouldn’t be feeling this way.  She finally lashes out at him in rage and anger because she feels unloved, unheard, misunderstood or all of the above.  This special night soon turns into an ugly battle of accusations.  Of course this is just a hypothetical scenario but I’m sure it happens to some couples every year.  Unmet expectations.

How many times do we set ourselves up for misery and loneliness when we have unmet expectations?  We want things to be a certain way or people to behave in a certain way and when they don’t live up to our expectations, we begin to blame, criticize, compare, make assumptions, hold grudges, or play the victim – driving the wedge deeper into our pain and in between the relationship.  Expectations can be unrealistic because unconsciously we’re asking people to be perfect.  And no one is.  And it can also, be self-centered because it focus’ on our needs and wants.  And if unmet, our reaction can be selfish and destructive because we’re more concerned about what we didn’t get, at the expense of harmony.

We cannot rely on others to fulfill our hopes and dreams, and deceive ourselves that they will make us happy.  It’s a vicious trap that will only lead to strife and much pain for us and involuntary for the other person.  Expectations may rise from a deeper issue:  Do you love me?  Do you respect me?  Am I important to you?  Am I priority in your thoughts and in your life?  The next time you feel an expectation creeping up, step back and ask yourself these questions.  If you start the conversation from there, it’ll save you a lot of pain and heartache.  Love never demands but requests.  But you’ll have to accept the fact that the answer may sometimes be a “No.”

Always remember whenever we set expectations, we set people up for failure and we set ourselves up for disappointment.

© 2012 Susie Lee

12 Secrets of Being Happy

Posted on by
Reply

Today, I’d like to share someone else’s article with you. Linda Kelsey takes 12 secrets of being happy from The World Book of Happiness by Leo Bormans, which offers practical ways to make your day brighter. I believe these simple choices will be life altering. I dedicate this article to my sister, Diane and to all who are in the pursuit of happiness in their lives.

To read the article click the link:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2090271/12-secrets-happy-Using-research-100-world-experts-new-book-shows-look-bright-side.html

We have the power to choose today!

Quotes of the Week: Do It Now!

Posted on by
2

“What you are planning to do tomorrow, do today;
what you are going to do today, do right now.”
-Indian Proverb

“The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers.
But above all, the world needs dreamers who do.”
-Sarah Ban Breathnach

This week I encourage you:
Don’t procrastinate. Don’t wait. Don’t fear. Don’t doubt.
Take the risk. Do it now. Seize the moment. Dream BIG.
And take positive steps towards it.
-susie lee

Have a great surprised filled week!

Setting Goals Can Be Life Changing or Paralyzing

Posted on by
2

“That which matters the least should never give way to that which matters the most.”

‘That which matters the most’ looks different for each person.  How we choose to spend our time, days, resources and energy usually reflects what we value in life.  That’s why goal setting is personal.  If you’re one of those people who have difficulty setting goals, it maybe helpful to ask these questions:  What are my core values? What is important to me?  What do I want out of life?  Where do I want to be in 10 years?  How can I contribute to the world?  For some people, this process of self-reflection and self-realization is life changing and liberating and for others, it’s a challenging and frustrating endeavor that paralyzes them.

Whether your goals are to contribute to the greater good of mankind or lose a few pounds, one thing to keep in mind when setting goals is to set S.M.A.R.T goals.  There’s a saying ‘If you aim for nothing, you’ll hit it every time.’ That’s why it’s important to set Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely goals.

For example:
I will get in shape this year.  NOT SMART.
I am running 2 times a week for 45 minutes and hiking 2 times a month for 3 hours.  SMART.

Another important aspect in setting SMART goals is to write them in the present tense, this triggers your brain to subconsciously get you moving towards your goals.  Write them on a poster board and hang it up where you’ll see it as a daily reminder.  Placing pictures of your goals will, also help you visualize them better.

If you really want to keep goal setting simple then pick one word to live by this year.  For example, my word for 2012 is strength.  It’s easy to remember yet powerful because it will guide me in my actions and decisions.  And at the end of the year I can ask myself, ‘Did I have strength this year?’

The purpose of goals is to enrich our lives, not a burden of rules to keep.  It stretches us to our fullest potential, not serve as a reminder of our limitations.  It builds character, strength, and skill that cannot be stolen or destroyed.  This confidence creates beauty within which then reflects itself in the work of our hands.  Continue to dream and pursue!

Conversations welcome!  I would love to hear any comments, goals or questions you may have from this article.

Poster of the Week: This Is Your Life

Posted on by
Reply

Maximizing the Small Moments

Posted on by
3

Yesterday, I wrote on how small choices can impact long-term goals.  Today, I want to share 4 simple daily actions I have been practicing.  These small actions not only make a big difference in relationships but it also sets the mood for the day.  Dr. Currie’s article addresses marriages but these simple actions can work in other relationships.

Making the Moments Matter Each Day by Dr. Dave Currie

“Have you ever heard it said, ‘Little things go a long way’?

It’s true. What is said and done in even a few seconds can radically change your life. Moments matter even more in a marriage. Words can kill or words can bring life – all in a flash. The choices you make in a moment can draw you closer to your mate or create distance. A few words can proclaim a welcome or drive in a wedge. It’s up to you.

Every day there are reoccurring events that we all could capitalize on. These are moments that will really matter with your mate. The better you handle these times, the stronger your connection. The more you make of these minutes, the deeper your friendship will be. This is how love grows.

Let’s look at four times every day when there’s a great chance to connect with your spouse. Used well, they will set the tone for the day and be at the heart of creating a satisfying and lasting marriage. These four moments are: Good Morning, Goodbye, Hello and Good Night. They are the first and last moments of the daily interchange in your lives. And yet they are consistent opportunities that most of us miss.

Maximize the ‘Good Morning’ moment

At the first sign of life, you can set the tone for the day. If your mate is awake, pull him or her close. Say nothing at first; just be in each other’s arms. Think through your first words. Be intentional with your commitment to love.

Even if your mate is still sleeping, let your first gestures be acts of kindness. Leave tracks of love: Turn on the coffee, or put toothpaste on your spouse’s toothbrush. Try leaving short notes on the counter, dresser or mirror.

Also, work hard to start the day without negative, critical words. Remember that each day is a fresh start to love better.

What if your spouse is still sleeping when you leave? Is it more loving to kiss your spouse goodbye and risk waking him or her or to leave quietly and not disturb your spouse’s sleep? The answer is to let your spouse make this call. Ask.

Maintain a ‘Goodbye’ routine

At some point each day, you will go your separate ways. Your spouse’s departure needs to take precedence over other things, at least for a few minutes. No matter who is heading out first, establish a goodbye routine. Since my sweetheart is vertically challenged, we meet at the steps by the front door so our farewell kiss and hug will be face-to-face.

Whether you ask questions about the day or offer a word of encouragement, use the moment to wrap your love around the heart of your mate. This closeness will provide strength for the day and an anchor that will draw your spouse back to you.

Tell the kids what you are doing: “I’ll be right back. I want to say goodbye to your father.” It’s great modelling.

Try a 10-second hug – actually count in your head if necessary. Linger for a bit, let your arms say, “I am here for you.”

Research shows that kissing your mate goodbye as you leave causes you to live on average five years longer and have a higher standard of living. So, stop what you are doing, embrace, kiss, and make your last words good words.

Magnify the reunion ‘Hello’ 

At some point, you will reconnect again. At this time, both of you should think, “My spouse is my priority.” It is just as much the responsibility of the one coming in the door as it is the one already inside. Both need to lay down the issues of the day for the reunion. Welcome each other warmly. Be as upbeat as possible for these first few minutes. Your actions are saying, “It’s good to see you. I missed you.”

You need to discuss the hurdles of the day – but this is not the time. Debrief your days your way … and remember to show interest in your spouse’s day. But share these events in bit-sized chunks during your evening.

My babe has started to hurry to the door when I announce, “I’m home,” and the smiles, the teasing and the laughter begin. We hug and kiss like we are meeting at the airport.

One friend said, “I don’t want the dogs to be happier to see him than I am.” Without fail, she stops what she is doing to run and embrace and kiss her man. He says that coming home is the best part of his day. No kidding. 

Master the ‘Good Night’ finale

It’s time to turn out the lights for the day. Make this moment count too. Try to go to bed together as part of your attempt to stay connected. Even if one of you is a night owl, aim at going to bed at the same time at least five nights of the week. If one feels the need to go to bed earlier, that spouse should initiate the closure of the day. If one wants to stay up beyond the usual time, that spouse should stop what he or she is doing to say good night and connect appropriately.

 Donalyn and I have made it a practice to pray together every night. Braiding God into our lives has kept our marriage strong. Our finale always includes saying, “Good night,” saying, “I love you” and a kiss (well, sometimes more too).

You’ll never regret putting your marriage and family first, especially in the moments that matter.”

For more information:  www.DoingFamilyRight.com

Small Decisions Contribute to Long-Term Goals

Posted on by
2

As I set long-term goals for the New Year, I do not want to underestimate the impact of small decisions I make everyday. These positive or negative choices will either contribute to or hinder my goals. The daily choices I make will eventually form into a habit, which will then turn into a lifestyle. I want my goals to be more than just for this year but for the many years to come. To have an effective long-term goal, it must be coupled with positive short-term decisions I make in the moment. I want to share an excerpt from this book I read over the holidays that describes it so well:

“We also need to make better choices in the moment. As Nobel Prize-winning economist Thomas Schelling described, we behave as if we’re two different people: one who wants a lean body and another who wants dessert.

Even small short-term differences in how we allocate our time can result in better days. An extra half-hour of sleep or an extra hour of social time can be the difference between a great day and a mediocre day. Changing our daily routine a little can have a big impact on the quality of each day.

On a given day, we might sit around and respond to problems at work instead of initiating. We might passively watch TV rather than getting out and exercising. Or maybe we spend on something now that creates stress in a few weeks or months. We might even think about doing something to give back to our community, but decide we’ll do it later and never get around to it. Days like this start a vicious cycle.

Just one day when we eat poorly, skip exercising, are stressed at work, don’t get enough social time, and worry about money leads to a host of negative outcomes. On days like this, we have less energy, we look worse, we don’t treat people well, and we get a lousy night’s sleep. As a result, we miss the reset provided by a sound night of sleep, and the cycle continues.

When we break this downward spiral and get a good night’s sleep, we’re off to the right start. This allows us to wake up refreshed and increases our chances of exercising in the morning. If we can use our strengths at our job every day, this connects our daily activities to a much higher purpose and allows us to get more done. Between work and time with our friends and family, if we can get in six hours of social time, chances are, we’ll have 10 times as many good moments as stressful ones.

One of the best ways to create more good days is by setting positive defaults. Any time you help your short-term self work with your long-term self, you have an opportunity. You can intentionally choose to spend more time with the people you enjoy most and engage your strengths as much as possible. You can structure your finances to minimize the worry caused by debt. You can make exercise a standard part of your routine. You can make healthier decisions in the supermarket so you don’t have to trust yourself when you have a craving a few days later. And you can make commitments to community, religious, or volunteer groups, knowing that you will follow through once you’ve signed up in advance. Through these daily choices, you create stronger friendships, families, workplaces, and communities.”

-Well Being The Five Essential Elements by Tom Rath & Jim Harter (pgs. 110-112)