I love reading books especially the ones that are filled with pockets of wisdom for everyday living. Today, I’d like to give you a simple and practical tool from Magic Words – 101 Ways to Talk Your Way Through Life’s Challenges. Thank you to my good friend, Nisha, who recommended this book to me!
(Magic Words #31)
IF I DON’T START, I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM
Betcha can’t eat just one: that old potato chip commercial definitely hits a very deep nerve. Think Ben & Jerry’s, M&M’s, whipped cream, French fries, triple chocolate-chip cookies…even pickles.
Jeri, a newspaper reporter, was working on an important investigative piece on a labor racketeering project. Since she was on a tight deadline, she found herself getting takeout lunches from the gourmet shop next door to her office. For the first week she stuck to her usual turkey sandwich or tuna-from-a can with Diet Dr Pepper, but then she spied a row of large round glass self-service containers of nuts and dried fruits behind the deli area. Knowing she had a weakness for unsalted cashews, she stayed away. But one day, just as a special treat, she scooped a handful of jumbo nuts into a plastic bag. The next day she was back, snapping up some more.
A week later, she was eating cashews for afternoon snacks and popping a few on the subway ride home. Two months passed, and she’d gain seven pounds plus a couple more from overdosing on morning Danish and wolfing down chunks of Taleggio cheese with an evening glass of wine.
We told her about Dr. Stephen Gullo, a well-known weight control expert who would be able to help her quit the cashew habit. She made an appointment with him for the following week.
Jeri’s problem is a common one. Many of us, according to Dr. Gullo, have “trigger foods” that activate a “can’t resist” process. Potato chips are a great example. Ice cream, bread, cake, and cookies are all culprits, as is almost anything that contains chocolate. How do you stop the process? Dr. Gullo prescribes these magic words: If I don’t start, I don’t have a problem.
Jeri wrote them on a piece of paper, which she Scotch-taped to her change purse. If she surrendered to her urges and loaded up on cashews, when she reached the checkout counter she’d give them back to the cashier. If she was at a party and a bowl of nuts came into view, Dr. Gullo advised that she move out of range immediately and repeat the magic words to herself. At the end of three weeks, Jeri had shed half a dozen pounds and was well on her way to zipping up her Levi’s again.
Dr. Gullo’s magic words also work for problems that don’t involve food. For instance, it’s easy to start complaining in today’s stressful employment climate – the boss is inaccessible, the hours are excruciating, the pay is unfair, blah, blah, blah. Complaining begets more complaining and inevitably the boss finds out who started the griping, so it’s bad for the complainer – and for general morale. A lot of people have a tendency to air grievances around the water cooler. If you’re one of those who sets up a negative situation, do yourself a favor and say “If I don’t start…” and you and your co-workers will steer clear of a common problem.
Nagging is another prime area where “If you don’t start” has a positive effect. Unfortunately, women have been stereotyped as naggers, though in many cases they nag for a good reason. Men nag too. We think it can easily be stopped by changing the magic words slightly, to “If I don’t start, WE don’t have a problem.”
From nachos to nagging, cashews to complaining, the best approach to stopping something you shouldn’t be doing is not starting in the first place.
-Magic Words – 101 Ways to Talk Your Way Through Life’s Challenges
by Howard Kaminsky & Alexandra Penney (pg. 87-89)
It’s Saturday and you wake up to a beautiful sunny morning. You’re looking forward to an unplanned day filled with endless possibilities. You’re happy and rested. Suddenly out of left field you’re smacked with a curve ball on the side of your head with a rant of accusations by a frustrated loved one. All before stepping out of bed.
A few weeks ago, I wrote an article on Acceptance | One of the Hardest Things to Do. And I asked myself ‘Where do you draw the line between accepting the person without condoning their ‘off the handle’ behavior?’ Accepting them for who they are does not mean you have to agree with their behavior. In fact, tough love will require you to have the courage to confront. The key factor to confrontation is that your intentions need to come from a place of love and the well being for that person rather than from a place of anger or spite. And even with your best intentions, it may still be received with defensiveness, anger, resistance, or withdrawal.
It’s natural for us to protect ourselves and take the path of the least resistant and remain silent. But overtime, your inner fuming and staying bitter towards them will harm you. Never make the assumption they’ll pick up on your silent cues and magically put the pieces together, or that they’ll feel remorseful for their actions and take the first step towards reconciliation. They’re not mind readers, they can see you’re upset but they won’t necessarily know why you’re upset. Plus they’re still probably upset themselves and wondering why you haven’t figured it out. This will only create more distance between the both of you and at this point, become a battle of wills. So take the initiative to clearly and objectively communicate what you’re seeing, experiencing and feeling.
It’s also good to keep in mind, that people’s frustrations usually stem out of their own personal issues, inner hurts or past woundings. So it’s not you, your actions or words that necessarily trigger them but a hurt, resentment, bitterness that might already be within their hearts. But if they’re not aware of this, they’ll think it’s you and blame you for how they’re feeling. With this in mind, it’s easier to be patient with them as you walk beside them in their journey.
Since these hurricane days come when you least expect it, it’s emotionally difficult to brace for it. Loving the person without condoning their poor behavior is very hard to practice. But it’s possible with compassion, courage, love and truth. After all you’ve said and done, ultimately it’s up to them to choose what they want to do with it. My hope is that they’ll see the love behind your words, take responsibility for their feelings and move toward healthy steps for improvement.
© 2012 Susie Lee
Around this time of year, many Christians and Catholics from around the world observe Lent. They choose to abstain from certain foods or pleasurable activities for 40 days leading up to the single most important event of their faith, the resurrection of Jesus Christ, otherwise known as Easter. Some popular choices include, giving up desserts, taking time out from social media, refraining from deep fried foods, being caffeine-free or simply unplugging the TV… I know it sounds absurd, why would anyone want to give these up? It’s an annual spiritual pilgrimage believers go on to grow closer to God and grow stronger in their faith. So instead of surfing on their iPhone they might use that time to read their Bible or write in their journal. Or when tempted to reach for the sprinkle colored donut, they might see it as a reminder to pray for family, friends or the world around them. This may be a foreign, even strange, concept to those who aren’t familiar with Lent.
I believe this practice of ‘giving something up in exchange’ can benefit anyone. Your exchange may not be for spiritual reasons but you can make it deeply personal and meaningful. It can be giving up something tangible like your late night snacks to the intangible like a negative attitude? Or instead of giving up, why not take something on? Encourage a person everyday, ‘ungrudge’ those grudges, look on the brighter side of things, read to the elderly, become a Big Brother or Sister, write that book or take that class?
Over time, this practice will de-clutter the mind and create more space within the soul to grow. It will help you to focus by letting go of things that slowly steal your time or letting go of attitudes that unconsciously hold you back. I’m not advocating that vices are bad but I believe, sometimes, they have an invisible hold on us. How strong – only you would know. I’m confident that you will feel and see a difference within 40 days. If you’ve decided to take up this challenge, I would love to hear how your journey’s going – where it’s taking you and where you are.
I’ve heard it takes 21 days to break a habit and 30 days to retrain a new one. Hmm… This sounds vaguely like the New Year’s resolutions doesn’t it? And while we’re on that topic, how’s that going for you these days?
© 2012 Susie Lee
Tom has the tendency to have a pessimistic outlook in life. Stacy gets defensive and takes things personally. Susan is usually consumed with her own problems that she fails to see the needs of other’s around her. David is frugal with his money, time and affection. Darcy is rude, inconsiderate and holds on to grudges. Charlie is suspicious and thinks the worst of everyone.
You may have encountered some of these fictional characters in real life or may be living under the same roof with one. At some point in time, you may have secretly (or openly) wished they were better, different, exciting, spontaneous, funny, or outgoing. How do we reconcile our feelings with the reality of ‘this is the way they are’? In this article, I’m going to write about one of the hardest things to do in life but an essential component in relationships: Accepting the other person for who they are. I mean truly accepting them without any unconscious intentions to try to change them, even for the better.
I believe one of the reasons it’s hard to accept another person for who they are is because we have a natural tendency to filter people’s actions, behavior and personality, through our own life experiences, upbringing and perspective. It’s through this paradigm we view the world and the people in it. And when they don’t ‘fit’ into our worldview box we come up against feelings of frustration, agitation, or unhappiness. And unless we change the way we think, give up our ‘only-best-right way’ attitude, shift our paradigm, alter our perspective, this mountain will remain impossible to climb. So how do we do this?
Like most things in life, we always have a choice. In this case, we can choose to accept or change the person or walk away. In accepting the person with their ‘flaws’ we let go of control, experience a peace of mind, invite harmony into the relationship and see the bigger picture of life. On the other hand, if you’re determined to change them you’ll end up on a dead end road of frustration and a battle of wills. But if the first two options are not feasible or working out for you the way you’d like, then the third option might be the best solution for the both of you.
The irony of trying to change someone is that it is us who changes, for the worse. Let me explain, your decision will ultimately affect you. If you choose to accept someone for who they are, the possible benefits you’ll reap will be having more patience, peace, freedom, compassion, and unity. But the consequences of trying to change someone will cripple you with cynicism, negativity, unwillingness, bitterness, anger, or resentment. This change in you won’t happen overnight but over a period of time.
My motto lately for acceptance has been, “Life’s too short.” Life’s too short to fuss and fume. Too short to stay upset and hold a grudge. Too short to point the finger and accuse. Too short to be miserable because the person is not what they’re ‘suppose’ to be. Too short to believe the myth I’d be happier if they changed. Ultimately what I’m demanding them to be is a mirrored image of myself. And I guarantee eventually I’ll find a flaw or two.
Of course, there are exceptions to every case; you don’t want to condone destructive habits or abusive behavior. Tough love will call for a change and for a period of time, you may need to love them from a distance while they get the help they need.
One of the key ways in accepting another person is through appreciation. Focus on the good qualities they already possess – strengths, positive character traits, accomplishments, their hopes and dreams. Then share this admiration to the person genuinely without expecting anything in return. I believe this seed of authentic appreciation and unconditional acceptance will blossom into something beautiful in them. And please don’t be hurt or offended if they don’t appreciate your appreciation, this is bound to happen. Mainly, you have to do it for yourself, your peace of mind, sanity, and happiness. And my hope is that one day you’ll also experience the same unconditional acceptance you showed to others. Making this world a beautiful place to live in.
©2012 Susie Lee
Food for Thought ::
“Strive to be patient; bear with the faults and frailties of others, for you, too, have many faults which others have to bear. If you cannot mould yourself as you would wish, how can you expect other people to be entirely to your liking? For we require other people to be perfect, but do not correct our own faults.
We wish to see others severely reprimanded; yet we are unwilling to be corrected ourselves. We wish to restrict the liberty of others, but are not willing to be denied anything ourselves. We wish others to be bound by rules, yet we will not let ourselves be bound. It is amply evident, therefore, that we seldom consider our neighbor in the same light as ourselves…”
-The Imitation of Christ pg. 44
Quotes ::
You take people as far as they will go,
not as far as you would like them to go.
-Jeannette Rankin
Whenever two people meet there are really six people present.
There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him,
and each man as he really is.
-William James
Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect.
It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.
-Unknown
When you find peace within yourself,
you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.
-Peace Pilgrim
It’s February 14th and the woman has high unspoken hopes that her man will make this day very, very special. She anticipates either a romantic getaway or a fine dining experience or perhaps a long awaited engagement ring. But when he fails to meet her expectations, she becomes sorely disappointed and deeply hurt. She assumes he does not love or cherish her. She tries to persuade him that if he did what he was supposed to do, she wouldn’t be feeling this way. She finally lashes out at him in rage and anger because she feels unloved, unheard, misunderstood or all of the above. This special night soon turns into an ugly battle of accusations. Of course this is just a hypothetical scenario but I’m sure it happens to some couples every year. Unmet expectations.
How many times do we set ourselves up for misery and loneliness when we have unmet expectations? We want things to be a certain way or people to behave in a certain way and when they don’t live up to our expectations, we begin to blame, criticize, compare, make assumptions, hold grudges, or play the victim – driving the wedge deeper into our pain and in between the relationship. Expectations can be unrealistic because unconsciously we’re asking people to be perfect. And no one is. And it can also, be self-centered because it focus’ on our needs and wants. And if unmet, our reaction can be selfish and destructive because we’re more concerned about what we didn’t get, at the expense of harmony.
We cannot rely on others to fulfill our hopes and dreams, and deceive ourselves that they will make us happy. It’s a vicious trap that will only lead to strife and much pain for us and involuntary for the other person. Expectations may rise from a deeper issue: Do you love me? Do you respect me? Am I important to you? Am I priority in your thoughts and in your life? The next time you feel an expectation creeping up, step back and ask yourself these questions. If you start the conversation from there, it’ll save you a lot of pain and heartache. Love never demands but requests. But you’ll have to accept the fact that the answer may sometimes be a “No.”
Always remember whenever we set expectations, we set people up for failure and we set ourselves up for disappointment.
© 2012 Susie Lee
“What you are planning to do tomorrow, do today;
what you are going to do today, do right now.”
-Indian Proverb
“The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers.
But above all, the world needs dreamers who do.”
-Sarah Ban Breathnach
This week I encourage you:
Don’t procrastinate. Don’t wait. Don’t fear. Don’t doubt.
Take the risk. Do it now. Seize the moment. Dream BIG.
And take positive steps towards it.
-susie lee
Have a great surprised filled week!
“That which matters the least should never give way to that which matters the most.”
‘That which matters the most’ looks different for each person. How we choose to spend our time, days, resources and energy usually reflects what we value in life. That’s why goal setting is personal. If you’re one of those people who have difficulty setting goals, it maybe helpful to ask these questions: What are my core values? What is important to me? What do I want out of life? Where do I want to be in 10 years? How can I contribute to the world? For some people, this process of self-reflection and self-realization is life changing and liberating and for others, it’s a challenging and frustrating endeavor that paralyzes them.
Whether your goals are to contribute to the greater good of mankind or lose a few pounds, one thing to keep in mind when setting goals is to set S.M.A.R.T goals. There’s a saying ‘If you aim for nothing, you’ll hit it every time.’ That’s why it’s important to set Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely goals.
For example:
I will get in shape this year. NOT SMART.
I am running 2 times a week for 45 minutes and hiking 2 times a month for 3 hours. SMART.
Another important aspect in setting SMART goals is to write them in the present tense, this triggers your brain to subconsciously get you moving towards your goals. Write them on a poster board and hang it up where you’ll see it as a daily reminder. Placing pictures of your goals will, also help you visualize them better.
If you really want to keep goal setting simple then pick one word to live by this year. For example, my word for 2012 is strength. It’s easy to remember yet powerful because it will guide me in my actions and decisions. And at the end of the year I can ask myself, ‘Did I have strength this year?’
The purpose of goals is to enrich our lives, not a burden of rules to keep. It stretches us to our fullest potential, not serve as a reminder of our limitations. It builds character, strength, and skill that cannot be stolen or destroyed. This confidence creates beauty within which then reflects itself in the work of our hands. Continue to dream and pursue!
Conversations welcome! I would love to hear any comments, goals or questions you may have from this article.
As I set long-term goals for the New Year, I do not want to underestimate the impact of small decisions I make everyday. These positive or negative choices will either contribute to or hinder my goals. The daily choices I make will eventually form into a habit, which will then turn into a lifestyle. I want my goals to be more than just for this year but for the many years to come. To have an effective long-term goal, it must be coupled with positive short-term decisions I make in the moment. I want to share an excerpt from this book I read over the holidays that describes it so well:
“We also need to make better choices in the moment. As Nobel Prize-winning economist Thomas Schelling described, we behave as if we’re two different people: one who wants a lean body and another who wants dessert.
Even small short-term differences in how we allocate our time can result in better days. An extra half-hour of sleep or an extra hour of social time can be the difference between a great day and a mediocre day. Changing our daily routine a little can have a big impact on the quality of each day.
On a given day, we might sit around and respond to problems at work instead of initiating. We might passively watch TV rather than getting out and exercising. Or maybe we spend on something now that creates stress in a few weeks or months. We might even think about doing something to give back to our community, but decide we’ll do it later and never get around to it. Days like this start a vicious cycle.
Just one day when we eat poorly, skip exercising, are stressed at work, don’t get enough social time, and worry about money leads to a host of negative outcomes. On days like this, we have less energy, we look worse, we don’t treat people well, and we get a lousy night’s sleep. As a result, we miss the reset provided by a sound night of sleep, and the cycle continues.
When we break this downward spiral and get a good night’s sleep, we’re off to the right start. This allows us to wake up refreshed and increases our chances of exercising in the morning. If we can use our strengths at our job every day, this connects our daily activities to a much higher purpose and allows us to get more done. Between work and time with our friends and family, if we can get in six hours of social time, chances are, we’ll have 10 times as many good moments as stressful ones.
One of the best ways to create more good days is by setting positive defaults. Any time you help your short-term self work with your long-term self, you have an opportunity. You can intentionally choose to spend more time with the people you enjoy most and engage your strengths as much as possible. You can structure your finances to minimize the worry caused by debt. You can make exercise a standard part of your routine. You can make healthier decisions in the supermarket so you don’t have to trust yourself when you have a craving a few days later. And you can make commitments to community, religious, or volunteer groups, knowing that you will follow through once you’ve signed up in advance. Through these daily choices, you create stronger friendships, families, workplaces, and communities.”
-Well Being The Five Essential Elements by Tom Rath & Jim Harter (pgs. 110-112)
living your best 