Acceptance :: One of the Hardest Things

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Tom has the tendency to have a pessimistic outlook in life.  Stacy gets defensive and takes things personally.  Susan is usually consumed with her own problems that she fails to see the needs of other’s around her.  David is frugal with his money, time and affection.  Darcy is rude, inconsiderate and holds on to grudges.  Charlie is suspicious and thinks the worst of everyone.

You may have encountered some of these fictional characters in real life or may be living under the same roof with one.  At some point in time, you may have secretly (or openly) wished they were better, different, exciting, spontaneous, funny, or outgoing.  How do we reconcile our feelings with the reality of ‘this is the way they are’?  In this article, I’m going to write about one of the hardest things to do in life but an essential component in relationships:  Accepting the other person for who they are.  I mean truly accepting them without any unconscious intentions to try to change them, even for the better.

I believe one of the reasons it’s hard to accept another person for who they are is because we have a natural tendency to filter people’s actions, behavior and personality, through our own life experiences, upbringing and perspective.  It’s through this paradigm we view the world and the people in it.  And when they don’t ‘fit’ into our worldview box we come up against feelings of frustration, agitation, or unhappiness.  And unless we change the way we think, give up our ‘only-best-right way’ attitude, shift our paradigm, alter our perspective, this mountain will remain impossible to climb.  So how do we do this?

Like most things in life, we always have a choice.  In this case, we can choose to accept or change the person or walk away.  In accepting the person with their ‘flaws’ we let go of control, experience a peace of mind, invite harmony into the relationship and see the bigger picture of life.  On the other hand, if you’re determined to change them you’ll end up on a dead end road of frustration and a battle of wills.  But if the first two options are not feasible or working out for you the way you’d like, then the third option might be the best solution for the both of you.

The irony of trying to change someone is that it is us who changes, for the worse.  Let me explain, your decision will ultimately affect you.  If you choose to accept someone for who they are, the possible benefits you’ll reap will be having more patience, peace, freedom, compassion, and unity.  But the consequences of trying to change someone will cripple you with cynicism, negativity, unwillingness, bitterness, anger, or resentment.  This change in you won’t happen overnight but over a period of time.

My motto lately for acceptance has been, “Life’s too short.”  Life’s too short to fuss and fume. Too short to stay upset and hold a grudge.  Too short to point the finger and accuse.  Too short to be miserable because the person is not what they’re ‘suppose’ to be.  Too short to believe the myth I’d be happier if they changed.  Ultimately what I’m demanding them to be is a mirrored image of myself.  And I guarantee eventually I’ll find a flaw or two.

Of course, there are exceptions to every case; you don’t want to condone destructive habits or abusive behavior.  Tough love will call for a change and for a period of time, you may need to love them from a distance while they get the help they need.

One of the key ways in accepting another person is through appreciation.  Focus on the good qualities they already possess – strengths, positive character traits, accomplishments, their hopes and dreams.  Then share this admiration to the person genuinely without expecting anything in return.  I believe this seed of authentic appreciation and unconditional acceptance will blossom into something beautiful in them.  And please don’t be hurt or offended if they don’t appreciate your appreciation, this is bound to happen.  Mainly, you have to do it for yourself, your peace of mind, sanity, and happiness.  And my hope is that one day you’ll also experience the same unconditional acceptance you showed to others.  Making this world a beautiful place to live in.

©2012 Susie Lee

Food for Thought ::
“Strive to be patient; bear with the faults and frailties of others, for you, too, have many faults which others have to bear.  If you cannot mould yourself as you would wish, how can you expect other people to be entirely to your liking?  For we require other people to be perfect, but do not correct our own faults.
We wish to see others severely reprimanded; yet we are unwilling to be corrected ourselves.  We wish to restrict the liberty of others, but are not willing to be denied anything ourselves.  We wish others to be bound by rules, yet we will not let ourselves be bound.  It is amply evident, therefore, that we seldom consider our neighbor in the same light as ourselves…”
-The Imitation of Christ pg. 44

Quotes ::
You take people as far as they will go,
not as far as you would like them to go.
-Jeannette Rankin

Whenever two people meet there are really six people present.
There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him,
and each man as he really is.
-William James

Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect.
It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.
-Unknown

When you find peace within yourself,
you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.
-Peace Pilgrim

Video of the Week: Beautifully Imperfect

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People’s little imperfections is what makes them uniquely beautiful.  I love how this short video conveys this message.  It’s a great reminder for us this week, to accept and embrace people’s imperfections in the light of the big picture.  Have a Beautiful Imperfect week.

Quotes of the Week: Be Who You Were Born To Be

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 Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinion drown your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
– Steve Jobs

 Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear;our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williiamson

Be who you were born to be. Accept, embrace and love who you are; your personality, your looks, your voice and all the quirks that make you you. Know you’re ‘enough’, you don’t need to add, change or push. There’s no one in the world like you, so proudly shine your light because the world needs you today, and everyday.
-Susie Lee

Unmet Expectations

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It’s February 14th and the woman has high unspoken hopes that her man will make this day very, very special.  She anticipates either a romantic getaway or a fine dining experience or perhaps a long awaited engagement ring.  But when he fails to meet her expectations, she becomes sorely disappointed and deeply hurt.  She assumes he does not love or cherish her.  She tries to persuade him that if he did what he was supposed to do, she wouldn’t be feeling this way.  She finally lashes out at him in rage and anger because she feels unloved, unheard, misunderstood or all of the above.  This special night soon turns into an ugly battle of accusations.  Of course this is just a hypothetical scenario but I’m sure it happens to some couples every year.  Unmet expectations.

How many times do we set ourselves up for misery and loneliness when we have unmet expectations?  We want things to be a certain way or people to behave in a certain way and when they don’t live up to our expectations, we begin to blame, criticize, compare, make assumptions, hold grudges, or play the victim – driving the wedge deeper into our pain and in between the relationship.  Expectations can be unrealistic because unconsciously we’re asking people to be perfect.  And no one is.  And it can also, be self-centered because it focus’ on our needs and wants.  And if unmet, our reaction can be selfish and destructive because we’re more concerned about what we didn’t get, at the expense of harmony.

We cannot rely on others to fulfill our hopes and dreams, and deceive ourselves that they will make us happy.  It’s a vicious trap that will only lead to strife and much pain for us and involuntary for the other person.  Expectations may rise from a deeper issue:  Do you love me?  Do you respect me?  Am I important to you?  Am I priority in your thoughts and in your life?  The next time you feel an expectation creeping up, step back and ask yourself these questions.  If you start the conversation from there, it’ll save you a lot of pain and heartache.  Love never demands but requests.  But you’ll have to accept the fact that the answer may sometimes be a “No.”

Always remember whenever we set expectations, we set people up for failure and we set ourselves up for disappointment.

© 2012 Susie Lee

Quotes of the Week: Love Deeply

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“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
-Bob Marley On How To Love A Woman

“It is love that fashions us into the fullness of our being-not our look, not our work, not our wants, not our achievements, not our parents, not our status, not our dreams.  These are all the fodder and the filler, the navigating fuels of our lives; but it is love:  who we love, how we love, why we love and that we love which ultimately shapes us.”
-Daphne Rose Kingma

Love unconditionally. Always.
-Susie Lee

Quotes of the Week: Your Thoughts Are Powerful

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We do not see things as they are
we see things as we are.
-The Thalmud

The mind manifests itself by looks and words.
For the soul is our dwelling place,
our eyes are its windows and our lips its messengers.
-Khali Gibran

Your mind will be like its habitual thoughts,
for the soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.
-Marcus Aurelius

Happiness is not something ready made.
It comes from your own actions.
-The 14th Dalai Lama

This week, feed your mind with healthy, nutritious, and powerful thoughts.
It will increase your energy, put you in a good mood and combat stress.
-susie lee

We Become What We Think

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It’s been said that struggles in life build character but I’m slowly learning it actually reveals character.  Especially after watching these three trailer documentaries:  Undefeated, This is Not a Film, and The Island President.  It inspires us to believe in ourselves, hope against the odds and know that people do not define us.  You can preview these trailers on http://trailers.apple.com/

We’re capable of so much more than we ‘think’, especially under pressure, confinement or survival.  Yet this strength is not rooted in our hands or the weapons we use but rather rooted in our minds.  It is where will power and impossibilities are created.  Our mind is the springboard that motivates us, triggers solutions, stimulates creativity and instills hope.

Overtime, what you think about constantly will grow within you, whether they are positive or negative.  Those thoughts will create feelings of joy or unhappiness.  And eventually move us into action or inaction.  And so this cycle begins, from the outflow of thoughts come feelings, and from feelings come actions.  We slowly become what we think:  Optimistic or pessimistic, happy or depressed, grateful or ungrateful, loving or bitter and the list goes on.

But there’s hope because we can break this cycle anytime.  We have a choice in every thought, in every feeling and in every action.  We are responsible.  We can never really blame anyone for how we feel, for where we’re at, or what we do (or don’t do).  At any given moment you always have a choice and it all comes down to your attitude.  Will you stay angry or forgive?  Blame or take responsibility?  Complain or be the solution?  You must start with yourself.  Pointing your finger at others even if you’re ‘right’ or have the best intentions will not change them or the situation.  Starting with you will be the first step towards your happiness, sanity and future.  Remember whatever you’re not changing, you’re choosing.

Mind over matter application : :
We can’t control how others treat us but we have a choice in how we react to them.
We are not upset by what people say.  We are upset by what we make it mean.
The body manifests what the mind harbors. Think positive thoughts.
Your positive or negative choices will affect the other person.
Give people the benefit of the doubt.  Think the best of them.
Focus on people’s strength rather than their weaknesses.
Choose for your communication to be effective.
Others are as you think they are.
You are what you think you are.
Encourage rather than criticize.
Accept it or change it.
Let love lead you.
Always.

© 2012 Susie Lee

Recommended Reading : :
The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale
The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Unlimited Power by Anthony Robbins
As a Man Thinketh by James Allen

“When you give someone a book, you don’t give him just paper, ink, and glue.
You give him the possibility of a whole new life.”
–Christopher Morley

12 Secrets of Being Happy

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Today, I’d like to share someone else’s article with you. Linda Kelsey takes 12 secrets of being happy from The World Book of Happiness by Leo Bormans, which offers practical ways to make your day brighter. I believe these simple choices will be life altering. I dedicate this article to my sister, Diane and to all who are in the pursuit of happiness in their lives.

To read the article click the link:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2090271/12-secrets-happy-Using-research-100-world-experts-new-book-shows-look-bright-side.html

We have the power to choose today!

Quotes of the Week: Your Uniqueness is Your Contribution

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Our uniqueness is our gift to the world.  No two people have the same qualities, vision and experience, and our life’s work emerges from our own melting pot.
~Gill Edwards

Are you a born writer?  Were you put on earth to be a painter, a scientist, an apostle of peace?  In the end the question can only be answered by action.

Do it or don’t do it.

It may help to think of it this way.  If you were meant to cure cancer or write a symphony or crack cold fusion and you don’t do it, you not only hurt yourself, even destroy yourself.  You hurt your children.  You hurt me.  You hurt the planet.

You shame the angels who watch over you and you spite the Almighty, who created you and only you with your unique gifts, for the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimeter farther along its path back to God.

Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention.  It’s a gift to the world and every being in it.  Don’t cheat us of your contribution.  Give us what you’ve got.

The War of Art, Steven Pressfield, p 165