Practicing and incorporating these simple and practical steps into your daily routine can transform your life and your relationships. If you’d like to read more, pick up a copy of Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements.
A few years ago, I read this little yet powerful book, The Four Agreements. They’re simple and practical steps on how to keep life uncomplicated leaving more room for freedom and fullness of life. This week, I came across this poster and thought I’d share this wisdom with you. Choosing to live by these simple agreements in your relationships, work and play can instantly transform your world into a healthier and happier place. As a daily reminder, you can pin this up on your fridge, bathroom mirror, hallway, back of your door, in your car or have it as your screen saver on your phone or computer. Have a terrific week. © 2012 Susie Lee
I read this article and thought these 8 steps can apply to anyone not just moms (with a few modifications to #4 and #6). I especially identified with #1, 5, 7, and 8: #1 is a good reminder to be myself rather than to please people, #5 needs to be a part of my weekly routine as I love to work, #7 needs to de-clutter my sea of papers on my desk ASAP, and #8 is a good reminder that I need to graciously accept help from others.
These steps are simple, practical and can ground us in our hectic world we sometimes live in; juggling work, family, friends and health. And with the year being officially half over, I hope your New Year’s resolutions (or goals) are being fulfilled and you’re moving towards your personal best in all areas of life.
Here’s to a happier you!
–Susie Lee
8 Ways to Be a Happier Mom
While our greatest hope is for our children to turn into happy adults, most of us moms grit our teeth a fair amount on the road there. After we hustle our kids off to soccer practice, shop for dinner and hunt down the perfect kindergarten, we are left with little inspiration to model the one thing we most wish for our children: happiness. It’s not that we don’t want to be happy. It’s more a question of how to fit it into our schedule. Read on for some practical tips from parenting experts on how to move “be happy” to the top of your to-do list.
1. Be Yourself
Much of our stress and irritation as parents comes from trying to live up to impossible standards. “Mothers universally feel that they ‘are never good enough,'” says Meg Meeker, MD, author of The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose and Sanity. A lot of these feelings of inadequacy come from comparing ourselves with other moms and competing in ways both small (bringing an elaborate dish to the potluck) and large (pushing our kids to achieve on the playing field). “It’s tempting to look around us to see if we measure up with other moms,” says Meagan Francis, author of The Happiest Mom: 10 Secrets to Enjoying Motherhood, “but when we’re comparing our private lives to somebody else’s public game face, we’re not getting a very accurate picture.” Francis adds that the best way to be a happy mom-and a good mom-is to be yourself. “Don’t try to be anyone else’s version of what a good mother should be,” Francis says. “Be the best version of who you are, and your children will recognize that and learn from it.” Think about your own strengths and work them into your everyday life as a mom. Maybe sewing costumes isn’t your thing, but you love to bake. This Halloween, buy costumes even though all the other moms are making theirs, and instead bake a batch of cookies to munch on while you all get ready to go trick-or-treating. When you play up your strengths as a parent, you are bound to have more fun and be happier.
2. Pencil in Solitude
Routinely setting aside time to go for a walk, write in a journal or read a book is one simple way you can raise your daily happiness quotient. “Mothers contend with so much stimulation during the day that life becomes overwhelming. From kids crying and older children needing homework help to answering cell phones and replying to emails, mothers can feel as though their nervous system is becoming fried,” says Dr. Meeker. Solitude is a necessity for our mental health. “Solitude achieves two very important purposes,” Dr. Meeker explains. “First, it allows mothers to quiet the ‘noise’ in their lives so that they can refresh themselves and hear themselves think. It allows our nervous system to slow down and become quieter so that we can recharge mentally, physically and emotionally. Second, solitude gives us a reprieve from giving. No woman can sustain constant giving to other humans (even if they are children) without a break.” If you don’t have even a half-hour to yourself each day, it may be time to reassess your to-do list. For example, do the brownies for this year’s bake sale really need to be made from scratch? Probably not-and by opting for the easier method, you can carve out a little bit of time for yourself.
3. Practice “Slow Family Time”
Slowing down the rush of family life has been one of the keys to happiness for Tsh Oxenreider, creator of SimpleMom.net and author of Organized Simplicity. “For our family,” Oxenreider says, “we’ve defined slowing down as ‘moving together at a deliberate and unhurried pace.’ When we slow down, we’re able to choose how to spend the 24 hours in each day, and therefore find more meaning in our activities.” Oxenreider achieves this by planning activities around family life, not the other way around: “Each Sunday, my husband and I meet to talk about our upcoming week. It only takes 30 minutes, but that brief connection gives us a chance to look at our calendars and decide how many evenings we’ll schedule out of the house, how we can help each other with upcoming tasks and how to dictate our commitments, instead of letting our commitments dictate us.” For other families, “slow family time” might mean leaving unstructured time in your schedule or simply hanging out with your kids at home with no particular plans or goal in mind.
4. Put Your Girlfriends Back on the Schedule
One of the quickest routes to getting your smile back is picking up the phone and calling a friend. Remember how good it feels to catch up? So often we put our friends on the back burner when we become mothers, forgetting that friendships are an essential source of joy. “Friends act as a tremendous support, but they also contribute to a mother’s happiness by acting as a release valve,” Dr. Meeker says. “When frustration or other emotions run high in a mom, a woman friend can provide a safe place for her to vent. And a key to a mother’s sanity and happiness is having an outlet for intense emotions.” Feel like you don’t have time for friends? Try the multitasking approach: Exercise with a friend, invite another mother over while your kids play in the backyard, offer to drive a mom to the baby-and-me class or invite a single girlfriend over for Sunday dinner.
5. Create a Weekly No-Work Day
Once upon a time, Sunday was strictly a day off. No one went to work and most stores were closed. It was a day to recharge and spend time with family. But with the advent of email and flexible schedules, any day can now be a work day-and any time can be work time. By integrating a regular “No Work Day” into your family’s weekly routine, moms can create more time for family fun while decreasing household stress levels. To pull off a day without work, family members will need to join forces in preparation for the day, including agreeing upon guidelines such as no checking email or work phone calls. To ensure that it’s a day off for stay-at-home parents as well, plan to work together the day before to clean up the house and prepare heat-and-eat meals such as lasagna or chili. If a full day dedicated to not working seems like too much of a leap from your current hectic schedule, start off with just one evening: one night a week, have the family gather to relax and play games or watch a movie with cell phones and computers off. The kids might balk at first, but soon they too will see the benefit of a time designated exclusively to leisure.
6. Share Your Passion with Your Kids
Somewhere between the afterschool shuffle and the rush to make dinner, many of us have lost track of our own passions. We are so in the habit of standing on the sidelines of our children’s activities that we’ve forgotten to share our own hobbies and passions with them. However, when you share the activities you like and enjoy with your kids, you will most likely be laughing, smiling and showing what happiness looks like to the people you care about the most. Think about simple ways you can enjoy your passions with your kids. Are you a music lover? Break out your CDs or old LPs and play DJ. Love to paint? Sit down with your kids and make art with them. By doing what we enjoy, we model happiness and show our children who we are.
7. Conquer Clutter
“Clutter is one of my biggest cranky-mom triggers,” Francis says. And most moms would agree that a messy house is one of their primary obstacles in the pursuit of happiness. “Adopt a no-prisoners approach to clutter control,” she suggests. “Toss unneeded papers in the recycling bin daily, come up with a simple system for keeping track of pending bills and paperwork, and, most important, become ruthless about which papers you’re willing to keep in the first place.” Having a routine can also help contain clutter. Have every member of the house do the same thing when they come home for the day: Hang up their coats (be sure to have a row of child-height hooks near the foyer), put shoes in the closet and place backpacks, purses, briefcases, keys and lunchboxes in their designated spots.
8. Outsource It
“We can’t do it all,” Francis reminds us, “and just because something needs to be done doesn’t mean that you need to do it.” Acknowledging that we can’t all hire household help, Francis suggests using a more flexible definition of ‘outsourcing’ for getting the help we need. “When we all focus on what skills and talents we bring to the table-without any shame for the stuff we aren’t so great at-we can meet our kids’ needs without having to try to do everything ourselves,” Francis says. Assess each family member’s skill set and delegate duties based on ability. Have a teenager who’s good at math? Assign her to help your middle school-age son with his algebra homework. Is one of your kids great at organizing? Assign him to create order out of a pile of mismatched plastic food containers. “We’re all good at different things,” Francis explains. “And it makes a lot of sense to divvy up household and parenting tasks by interest, skill and available time.” Apply the same concept of teamwork to cleaning the house, too. Hold 10-minute tidy-up sessions: Gather your family, cue up the dance tunes and set the timer for 10 minutes. You’ll be surprised how much you can get done working together-and how much fun you’ll have doing it!
Article from WomansDay.com written by Theo Pauline Nestor
First Time You Introduce Each Other as “Boyfriend” and “Girlfriend”
I’d like you to meet my…friend? partner? compatriot? Up until this point you haven’t known exactly what to call each other, but the first time he introduces you as his girlfriend, you know the game has shifted.
“Being labeled as his girlfriend — or you calling him your boyfriend — is one way to learn that you are a solid item with your partner,” says Britton. “Once you both say those words out loud it makes it real. Having the pride to give what you two have going on a name is another level of intimacy. It’s an excellent way to go deeper into the next phase of your love bond.”
This usually happens about two months into a relationship and is also around the time when you’ll subject him to your besties (and implore them to go easy on the questions!).
First Time You Let One Fly
This usually happens around the one month mark. You and your new guy are lying in bed, candles are lit, you’re wearing brand new lingerie, soft music is playing…You look deeply into each other’s eyes…and he lets one rip so loudly that you’re sure your neighbor 3-floors down can hear it.
You’re taken by surprise but you don’t really care!
“This milestone reveals your true level of intimacy,” says Patti Britton, PhD, clinical sexologist, founder of SexCoachU.com and author of The Art of Sex Coaching. “It means that things have moved from the fantasy of courtship to a real relationship, warts and all. The next time you let your guard down and use a toilet while he’s shaving, or he lets out air during breakfast, know that being more open is going to allow you to get closer — and not just in the bathroom!”
First Time You Stop Being So Darn Agreeable
You’ve been lying through your teeth about giving two craps about hockey for 3 whole months. Then, one day, you let it slip. You hate ice hockey. Hate it. Zambonis are stupid!
Whew. When you start getting real in a relationship it’s kind of a relief. Just don’t be surprised if he admits that those Food Network recipes don’t come out exactly right when you make them.
“Often we tolerate aspects of our relationship or partner because the foundation seems too risky to crack,” says Britton. “But once things feel more stable it’s time to get real. Being more honest is a step in the right direction of an authentic relationship.”
First Time You Attend a Wedding Together
At around the six month mark, many couples have said the “L” word to one another. But an equally important milestone is getting up the guts to ask him to accompany you to a friend’s wedding (or going as his date). This is like a coming out party for your relationship — it announces that you’re serious and brings up heavy topics like marriage and forever-ness. Plus, watching people you care about take vows can turn into an emotional moment for the two of you.
“The sheer emotionality of attending a wedding can provoke a deep emotional response,” says Britton. “Ceremonies can evoke spiritual connections. Often couples in the dating mode find that it triggers a reaction of ‘where does that leave us?’ Be aware of the feelings that surface and use them for learning more about your own relationship.”
First Time You Meet the Family
Nine months in, expect him to take you for an awkward brunch with his parents. Or, maybe it’s to his weird Uncle Joe’s annual chili-off. Whatever the event is, the bottom line is that he’s introducing you to his people and showing you where he comes from. (And you’ll do the same.)
Another part of this milestone is realizing that perhaps not all of his folks are great people, but knowing that’s ok and that he’s his own person (and so are you).
“Sometimes meeting the family provides feedback about the person you’re dating,” says Britton. “You may see characteristics about him being expressed you never saw before or those pet peeves you have about him can become magnified in the presence of their origins! How we are with our biological families can speak volumes about how a person really thinks, feels and behaves. Sometimes these visits are the key to unlocking greater love and intimacy. Or they can backfire and send you packing.”
First Comfortable Silence
You’re in the car, driving along, there’s no radio, no conversation, just utter silence. Instead of thinking up a topic for discussion you realize that it’s okay to just “be”. “You’re not concerned with filling up the silences with words to try and prove to yourself that you are connected. You can actually relax and just be with each other…which then allows you to access a whole other layer of intimacy,” says Dr. Sadie Allison, founder of TickleKitty.com and author of Tickle My Tush: Mild-to-Wild Analplay Adventures for Everybooty.
The comfortable silence can happen around the one year mark, and it’s probably the biggest way a couple knows they are just naturally, effortlessly…together.
“That comfortable silence is significant because it demonstrates that you have security in your relationship,” says Allison.
First Time You Face Tragedy Together
When you’ve been together for over a year, you’re bound to face some type of tragedy, such as a death or difficult situation. Any time before this, you might have just sent a bouquet. But now, you’ve been together long enough to really lean on each other.
“Facing a tragedy as a couple allows you to experience a greater appreciation of what you have together. It allows you to observe how you’ll each be there for one another in a profound and compassionate way during hard times,” says Allison.
If you make it through each other’s expectations, you’ll know you can get through almost anything with your partner at your side.
First Time You Realize You’re in it for the Long Haul
In the movies, a sparkly engagement ring presented by a nervous man on bended knee is what signifies the seriousness of a relationship. But in real life, it’s the smaller moments — like the day he moves his underwear over to your place or the adoption of a stray cat that you’ll care for together — that says this relationship is for the long-term. This usually happens after a year and a half of dating.
“When you share a moment like this, you’re now receiving — and accepting — the trueness and longevity of your connection,” says Allison. “For some this is the point where one’s heart goes from ‘dating’ mode to ‘partnership’.”
First Blowout Fight
All couples have fights, even nasty ones that include hurtful words, threats and objects thrown on the front lawn. “It’s unrealistic to think you’ll never have a blowout fight if you’re going to be with someone for a long time. It shows you’re in touch with reality, and that you are willing to communicate and listen to each other, and do the work to get through it,” says Allison.
But the type of fight that happens at around three years in is usually the kind that calls your entire relationship into question — and makes the two of you think long and hard as to whether you should put in the effort or call it quits.
“Working through a big blowout fight can show that you both are choosing to stay together and are willing to address any issues that arise,” says Allison. This will be a true test.
First Time You Realize He’s Your Family
Whether or not you have kids, you suddenly feel like he is “home.” The time before the five years you’ve now been together doesn’t seem to exist and all your best memories include him.
“This is the moment you become aware that your guy is someone that you ‘chose,’” says Allison. “It’s a big step forward when you realize that it’s not about the family you were born into or raised with, but about the family you two are creating and have chosen.”
Article from iVillage Canada written by Ronnie Koenig
(Borrowed in part from our friends at HealthyMarriageTips.com)
Supermarket magazines bombard us with a constant stream of “Secrets to the Best Sex Ever”.
Here is the real secret.
If you increase the quality of your emotional intimacy you will significantly increase the quality and quantity of your physical intimacy.
Physical intimacy can take place with a total stranger and while it will be physically exciting it can never come close to the exultant ecstasy that comes from becoming one with your spouse with whom you have developed a strong emotional bond.
Emotional intimacy usually takes time to develop. It can’t be rushed or purchased. But it can be built one conversation and one experience at a time.
Before going much further it would also be good to give you our definition of emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is your perceived sense of closeness with your spouse.
It’s built on trust, acceptance, forgiveness and knowing that the other person honestly wants what is best for you and “has your back”.
On average women tend to develop emotional intimacy through words and men tend to develop emotional intimacy through experiences. An example for women would be when they share their feelings about something they are struggling with. An example for men would be a hard and difficult experience that they overcame like fighting in a war, participating on a sports team, or any other shared physical activity that involves an element of danger and or difficulty.
Emotional intimacy also involves a tremendous amount of risk. It leaves you vulnerable to getting hurt because it involves lowering your walls and allowing someone else inside your defenses. Which in turn could allow them to use what they learned later on to hurt you.
It’s no wonder that Paul Simon wrote,
“I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain….
…If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.”
Yet even still there exists inside all men and women the desire and the need to feel close to someone.
So how do you have “safe” emotional intimacy? And how do you build and strengthen it?
The first step is to realize that no one is perfect. In other words you will never be able to engage in “safe” emotional intimacy. You will make mistakes and so will your spouse. What you can work towards is an emotionally intimate relationship in which you both quickly apologize and forgive each other when you do occasionally hurt each other. In a future tip we will cover how to accomplish this. The keyword though is, occasionally hurt each other. Emotional abuse is real and can be far more damaging then physical abuse. We will address emotional abuse in a future tip as well.
The second step is to engage in activities that will help your emotional intimacy grow stronger. For men that means setting aside time to JUST LISTEN. When a man hears a problem they want to fix it as quickly as possible and move on. Bite your tongue and let your wife talk about her feelings. If she asks you for a possible solution then feel free to share your ideas, otherwise JUST LISTEN. The other skill that MUST accompany listening is empathy. It’s not good enough to just keep your mouth shut. You also need to try and understand how she feels. Does this skill come naturally to most men. No, but it is like any other skill. It can be learned. At first it will feel awkward, but no more awkward than dribbling a basketball and shooting a layup with your offhand. If you stick with it and develop the skill, then the rewards in the physical intimacy area will be more than you can possibly imagine.
Besides setting aside at least 15 minutes a day to just talk, other activities you can engage in to build emotional intimacy include sharing with each other your dreams, struggles, difficult experiences you went through growing up, participating in difficult physical activities together like training for a marathon or backpacking in the mountains, praying together, sharing embarrassing moments, making promises and keeping them, sharing two things a day that you appreciate that your spouse did that day, saying please and thank you, asking about his or her day, giving at least a paragraph long response to “how was your day”, writing thank you notes, trying to see the world from your spouses perspective, complimenting your spouse, being totally faithful to your spouse, making sacrifices for your spouse and brainstorming other ways to strengthen your bond of emotional intimacy.
It also takes being intentional and even coming up with a plan . So make it happen and the rewards will come pouring in.
For more tips, log on to HealthyMarriageTips.com
The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.
– Marcel Pagnol
Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.
– Will Rogers
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
– Anonymous
You are not in this world to live up to other people’s expectations,
nor should you feel the world must live up to yours.
– F Perl
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.
– Harvey Fierstein
Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
– John Wooden
The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love,
and let it come in.
– Morrie Schwartz
Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you.
But if you turn your attention to other things, It comes and sits softly on your shoulder.
– Henry David Thoreau
It’s impossible” said pride.
“It’s risky” said experience.
“It’s pointless” said reason.
“Give it a try” whispered the heart.
– Anonymous
Your task is not to seek love, but to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
– Rumi
Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect.
It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.
-Anonymous
As life gets busier, sometimes it’s easy for couples to unconsciously let their relationships slip to the wayside. But it’s possible to keep it strong even in the midst of busyness. Here are 10 simple ways:
It’s helpful to write these down where you can see them; post-it on your computer, fridge, bathroom mirror, dining room table, kitchen sink – somewhere where you’ll see it as a daily reminder. Of course, this is in no way an exhaustive list but it’s a simple and practical list that will get you back on track towards intimacy.
Have fun and enjoy each other. Always. Love and laugh lots.
© 2012 Susie Lee
*10 simple ways were taken from Today’s Parent February 2006.
To read the full article: click here
In my home, I have a number of houseplants scattered throughout the windowsills, floor, tables and stands. I love having them around because they bring life and color into a room. But they take work. Every few days, I check to see if the soil needs water. Every few weeks, I give them plant food. And every few years, I transfer them into a bigger pot. Over time, I’ve learned my plants have preferences, some like to be in direct sunlight and others like to be in shade. I’ve also found they tend to flourish in health and strength when I talk to them sweetly… so I talk to my plants often.
Just like houseplants, relationships bring life and color into our lives. But it takes work. We need to put physical time, emotional energy and mental capacity into it. Without this effort, our relationships resemble an artificial plant – fake and lifeless.
Usually when people are dissatisfied with their relationships they may use the term the grass is greener on the other side. The ‘other’ side being happier, fulfilling and abundant. But I believe if they channel that energy in maintaining their own lawn, it would be just as vibrant and green too. But I understand that sometimes, it’s easier to compare and complain rather than put the work into it.
Every relationship takes a lot of work, sacrifice and love. Strong, healthy, long lasting couples and friendships don’t just magically ‘happen,’ they take time to cultivate and flourish. Here are a few ways to build your relationship:
Commitment
Make right choices despite how you feel
Accept them without trying to change them
Be there through the ups and downs – good times and bad
Choose to love them especially when the feelings aren’t there
Communication
Talk, listen and engage actively
Be honest with them even though it’s hard
Patiently figure out the heart of the issue in conversations
Accept and understand the other person’s point of view
Connection
Have fun together
Have common interests
Make time for each other in person, by phone or by computer
Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological, or intellectual connection
Caring
Honor them by accepting who are
Celebrate the things that matter to them
Look out for their best interest and well-being
Meet spoken and unspoken needs (emotionally or practically)
Relationships are like investments that will grow over time. And the return will be substantial as it will nourish our souls and enrich our lives. It’s the connection we make with another soul that draws us deeper mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
May your days be richer and fuller because of the colorful relationships that bring life, love and joy to you. And in turn, may you paint a colorful canvas on someone else’s life.
© 2012 Susie Lee
Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.
-William James
living your best 